A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" The mother looks over at the little girl, "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn't polite." the mother warns. "Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?" The little girl continues on triumphantly, "And... I know why you and daddy got divorce."
"Oh really?", the mother asks, "Why is that?" To which the girl replies, "Because you got an F in sex."
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Borrowing secretary
Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techno-geek.
"Hey, bud, how are ya?"
"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"
"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!"
"No way, how could that be?"
"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"
"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"
"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her."
So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! eeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"
The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"
"Hey, bud, how are ya?"
"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"
"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!"
"No way, how could that be?"
"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"
"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"
"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her."
So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! eeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"
The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"
Kids Today
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
Advancement in Technology
One day, a man complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00."
The guy figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise andvarious lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
It will be better in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in thisample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises,flashedlights, and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant....twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
And.... if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better!
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00."
The guy figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise andvarious lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
It will be better in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in thisample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises,flashedlights, and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant....twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
And.... if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better!
Criminal Jokes
Judge: Why were u arrested?
Santa: For shopping early.
Judge: Well, that?s not a crime. Anyway, how early were u shopping?
Santa: Before the shop opened.
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An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years.
Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it. I Love You"
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute! I Love You too honey"
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Three blokes are driving around, drinking beers and having a laugh when the driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car telling him to pull over.
The other two are really worried. "What are we going to do with our beers? We're in trouble!"
"No," the driver says, "it's OK, just pull the label off your bottle and stick them on your foreheads, and the bloke pulls over.
The police officer then walks up and says, "You lads were swerving all around the road back there. Have you been drinking?"
"Oh, no, officer," says the driver, pointing to his forehead, "We're trying to give up, so we're on the patch.
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A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Quiet!" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"
"And I said be quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you, the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the guy in the cell. "I'm the groom."
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A man walks into the sheriff's office... "I want to become a deputy!"
"Good, I want to you to catch this man" says the sheriff handling the man a wanted poster.
The poster reads : 'Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.'
"What's he wanted for?" asked the hopeful yound man.
"Rustling."
Santa: For shopping early.
Judge: Well, that?s not a crime. Anyway, how early were u shopping?
Santa: Before the shop opened.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years.
Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it. I Love You"
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute! I Love You too honey"
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Three blokes are driving around, drinking beers and having a laugh when the driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car telling him to pull over.
The other two are really worried. "What are we going to do with our beers? We're in trouble!"
"No," the driver says, "it's OK, just pull the label off your bottle and stick them on your foreheads, and the bloke pulls over.
The police officer then walks up and says, "You lads were swerving all around the road back there. Have you been drinking?"
"Oh, no, officer," says the driver, pointing to his forehead, "We're trying to give up, so we're on the patch.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Quiet!" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"
"And I said be quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you, the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the guy in the cell. "I'm the groom."
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A man walks into the sheriff's office... "I want to become a deputy!"
"Good, I want to you to catch this man" says the sheriff handling the man a wanted poster.
The poster reads : 'Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.'
"What's he wanted for?" asked the hopeful yound man.
"Rustling."
Microsoft's New Manager
Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for Microsoft Europe. 5000 candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate is Arun an Indian (Mumbai) guy.
Bill Gates thanked all the candidates for coming and asking those who do not know JAVA program to leave. 2000 people leave the room. Arun says to himself, 'I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I'll give it a try'
Bill Gates asked the candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100 people to leave.
2000 people leave the room. Arun says to himself ' I never managed anybody by myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?' So he stays.
Then Bill Gates asked candidates who do not have management diplomas to leave. 500 people leave the room. Arun says to himself, 'I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose?' So he stays in the room.
Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo - Croat to leave. 498 people leave the room. Arun says to himself, 'I do not speak one word of Serbo - Croat but what do I have to lose?' So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate.
Everyone else has gone.
Bill Gates joined them and said 'Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo - Croat, so I'd now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language.'
Calmly, Arun turns to the other candidate and says 'Kaisa hai re tu'
The other candidate answers 'Accha hu re'
Bill Gates thanked all the candidates for coming and asking those who do not know JAVA program to leave. 2000 people leave the room. Arun says to himself, 'I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I'll give it a try'
Bill Gates asked the candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100 people to leave.
2000 people leave the room. Arun says to himself ' I never managed anybody by myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?' So he stays.
Then Bill Gates asked candidates who do not have management diplomas to leave. 500 people leave the room. Arun says to himself, 'I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose?' So he stays in the room.
Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo - Croat to leave. 498 people leave the room. Arun says to himself, 'I do not speak one word of Serbo - Croat but what do I have to lose?' So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate.
Everyone else has gone.
Bill Gates joined them and said 'Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo - Croat, so I'd now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language.'
Calmly, Arun turns to the other candidate and says 'Kaisa hai re tu'
The other candidate answers 'Accha hu re'
Doubt
In some remote village of India, one masterji is
teaching the Mahabharat katha to class 6 students.
He is at the 'Krishna Janma' a part of it.
Masterji: "Kangsa heard that his sister's 8th child is going
to kill him. He was furious. He ordered to put vasudev n devki behind the bars.
First son is born, and kansa kills him by poisoning...
Second one is born n kamsa throws him off the mountain peak. Third one is born.....
Now Ramu, who is smartest of the lot, puts up his hand.
"Masterji, I have a doubt (sounding nervous n confused)"
Masterji: "Ramu bete, whole Hinduism does not have doubt
in Mahabharata then how come u have one?"
Ramu :" Masterji, if Kansa knew that Devaki's 8th child
was going to kill him, Then
“WHY THE HELL DID HE PUT VASUDEV AND DEVAKI IN THE SAME CELL ?”
Masterji fainted.........................
teaching the Mahabharat katha to class 6 students.
He is at the 'Krishna Janma' a part of it.
Masterji: "Kangsa heard that his sister's 8th child is going
to kill him. He was furious. He ordered to put vasudev n devki behind the bars.
First son is born, and kansa kills him by poisoning...
Second one is born n kamsa throws him off the mountain peak. Third one is born.....
Now Ramu, who is smartest of the lot, puts up his hand.
"Masterji, I have a doubt (sounding nervous n confused)"
Masterji: "Ramu bete, whole Hinduism does not have doubt
in Mahabharata then how come u have one?"
Ramu :" Masterji, if Kansa knew that Devaki's 8th child
was going to kill him, Then
“WHY THE HELL DID HE PUT VASUDEV AND DEVAKI IN THE SAME CELL ?”
Masterji fainted.........................
Men and Women
Women:
A wife was not at home for a whole night.
So, the very nextmorning,
she tells her husband that she stayed at her girlfriend's
apartment over night.
The husband calls 10 of her best girlfriend's and
only one of them confirm that.
---------------------------
Men:
A husband was not at home for a whole night.
So he tells his wife the very next morning,
that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night.
So the wife calls 10 of his best friends:
5 of them confirm that he stayed at their apartments that night,
and the other 5 are claiming that he is still there with them!
A wife was not at home for a whole night.
So, the very nextmorning,
she tells her husband that she stayed at her girlfriend's
apartment over night.
The husband calls 10 of her best girlfriend's and
only one of them confirm that.
---------------------------
Men:
A husband was not at home for a whole night.
So he tells his wife the very next morning,
that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night.
So the wife calls 10 of his best friends:
5 of them confirm that he stayed at their apartments that night,
and the other 5 are claiming that he is still there with them!
First day at office
A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.....
On his first day, he dialled the kitchen and shouted into the phone:
"Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded: "You fool; you've dialled
the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"
"No" replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"
trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you
IDIOT?"
"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.
"Thank God!" replied the trainee and put down the phone .....
On his first day, he dialled the kitchen and shouted into the phone:
"Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded: "You fool; you've dialled
the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"
"No" replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"
trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you
IDIOT?"
"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.
"Thank God!" replied the trainee and put down the phone .....
Bus Driver
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad
was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant
and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid,
''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!''
The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''
was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant
and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid,
''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!''
The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''
Husband and Wife
Letter from husband ( who is abroad) to wife
Dear Sweetheart:
I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses.
You are my sweetheart
Your husband
Allen
His wife replied back after some days to her husband:
Dearest sweetheart,
Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.
1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.
3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses
Instead of the rent.
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him
Some other items....... ....
5. Other expenses 40 kisses
Please don't worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and
I hope I can complete the month using this balance.
Shall I plan same way for next months, Please Advise!!!
Your Sweet Heart
Dear Sweetheart:
I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses.
You are my sweetheart
Your husband
Allen
His wife replied back after some days to her husband:
Dearest sweetheart,
Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.
1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.
3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses
Instead of the rent.
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him
Some other items....... ....
5. Other expenses 40 kisses
Please don't worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and
I hope I can complete the month using this balance.
Shall I plan same way for next months, Please Advise!!!
Your Sweet Heart
Happy B'day
Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling
Too hot that morning anyway.
I went to breakfast knowing my wife
Would be pleasant and say ?Happy Birthday,?
And would probably have a present for me.
She didn't even say ?Good Morning,? Let alone any ?Happy Birthday.?
I thought, ?Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember .?
The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said,
?Good morning boss, Happy Birthday.?
So I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said,
?You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday,
let's go to lunch, just you and me.? I said, ?By George,
that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go.?
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go;
We went out into the country to a little private place.
We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said,
You know, it's such a beautiful day.
We don't need to go back to the office, do we??
I said, ?No, I guess not.? She said, ?Let's go to my apartment.?
After arriving at her apartment she said, ?Boss, if you don't mind,
I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.?
?Sure,? I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and,
In about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake,
Followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends.
All were singing ? Happy Birthday? And there on the couch I sat... Naked.
Too hot that morning anyway.
I went to breakfast knowing my wife
Would be pleasant and say ?Happy Birthday,?
And would probably have a present for me.
She didn't even say ?Good Morning,? Let alone any ?Happy Birthday.?
I thought, ?Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember .?
The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said,
?Good morning boss, Happy Birthday.?
So I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said,
?You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday,
let's go to lunch, just you and me.? I said, ?By George,
that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go.?
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go;
We went out into the country to a little private place.
We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said,
You know, it's such a beautiful day.
We don't need to go back to the office, do we??
I said, ?No, I guess not.? She said, ?Let's go to my apartment.?
After arriving at her apartment she said, ?Boss, if you don't mind,
I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.?
?Sure,? I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and,
In about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake,
Followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends.
All were singing ? Happy Birthday? And there on the couch I sat... Naked.
George W Bush
I seriously loved this one 
George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk, he offers
question time.
One little boy puts up his hand and George asked, What is your name?
Bob
And what is your question, Bob?
I have 3 questions.
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you president when al gore got more votes?
Third, what happened to Osama bin laden?
Just then, the bell rings for recess.
George bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume George says, Ok where were we?
Oh, thats right. Question time. Who has a question?
A different little boy raises his hand.
George points him out and asked him what is your name?
Steve
And what is your question Steve?
I have 5 questions.
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of UN?
Second, why are you president when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, what happened to Osama bin laden?
Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?
Fifth, where the hell is Bob?
George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk, he offers
question time.
One little boy puts up his hand and George asked, What is your name?
Bob
And what is your question, Bob?
I have 3 questions.
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you president when al gore got more votes?
Third, what happened to Osama bin laden?
Just then, the bell rings for recess.
George bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume George says, Ok where were we?
Oh, thats right. Question time. Who has a question?
A different little boy raises his hand.
George points him out and asked him what is your name?
Steve
And what is your question Steve?
I have 5 questions.
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of UN?
Second, why are you president when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, what happened to Osama bin laden?
Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?
Fifth, where the hell is Bob?
Cleaver Chinese
A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.
As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour,
get outta here."
The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your
PearlHarbour, it was the Japanese".
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers
were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."
The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."
( This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition organized in Britain )
As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour,
get outta here."
The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your
PearlHarbour, it was the Japanese".
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers
were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."
The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."
( This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition organized in Britain )
Lawers
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door,
ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene,
the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer,
"You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh my gooood....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!"
ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene,
the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer,
"You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh my gooood....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!"
The Drunk
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a Preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water And subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is Almost overcome by the smell of booze. But, he still manages to ask the Drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes,I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and Asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again but for A little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks Again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the Water again --- but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.
When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up.
The preacher asked the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
The preacher turns around and is Almost overcome by the smell of booze. But, he still manages to ask the Drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes,I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and Asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again but for A little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks Again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the Water again --- but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.
When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up.
The preacher asked the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Grandma And Grandpa!
Grandpa and Grandma always got very excited when they recalled the old days they were together. They made a decision, one day to make it "yesterday once more".
They made a date on the riverbank they used to go when they were young. The next day, Grandpa got up 6 a.m. in the morning, dashed to the bank, picked up a big bunch of wild flowers before sunrise, waited there for his sweetheart to come.
But grandpa ended in disappointment grandma never showed up even after sunset.
Grandpa went home in such anger. He opened the door, seeing grandma lying on the sofa with her pillow. He threw the flowers on the floor and questioned: "Why didn't you come to our date?"
Grandma hid her head in the pillow and replied shyly: "Mom didn't allow me to go..." : )
They made a date on the riverbank they used to go when they were young. The next day, Grandpa got up 6 a.m. in the morning, dashed to the bank, picked up a big bunch of wild flowers before sunrise, waited there for his sweetheart to come.
But grandpa ended in disappointment grandma never showed up even after sunset.
Grandpa went home in such anger. He opened the door, seeing grandma lying on the sofa with her pillow. He threw the flowers on the floor and questioned: "Why didn't you come to our date?"
Grandma hid her head in the pillow and replied shyly: "Mom didn't allow me to go..." : )
Old Age
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turned to the other and said: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.
I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim said, "I feel j ust like a newborn baby."
"Really? Like a newborn baby?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim said, "I feel j ust like a newborn baby."
"Really? Like a newborn baby?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
This is America
A man sees a woman getting chased by a dog.
When the dog is about to bite the woman, the man intervenes and kicks the dog.
A reporter was seeing all this. He said "That was great. I'll definitely publish this in newspaper.
Tomorrow the headline will be 'LOCAL HERO SAVES LADY FROM A DOG'."
The man replied "Thank you, but I'm not from here. I am from US".
Reporter: "OK. Then the headline will be US CITIZEN SAVES WOMAN FROM A DOG".
Man: Actually, I live in US but I'm not a US citizen. I'm a Pakistani national".
Next day, the headline in the paper read....
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"TERRORIST ATTACKS A LOCAL DOG."
When the dog is about to bite the woman, the man intervenes and kicks the dog.
A reporter was seeing all this. He said "That was great. I'll definitely publish this in newspaper.
Tomorrow the headline will be 'LOCAL HERO SAVES LADY FROM A DOG'."
The man replied "Thank you, but I'm not from here. I am from US".
Reporter: "OK. Then the headline will be US CITIZEN SAVES WOMAN FROM A DOG".
Man: Actually, I live in US but I'm not a US citizen. I'm a Pakistani national".
Next day, the headline in the paper read....
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"TERRORIST ATTACKS A LOCAL DOG."
Teacher and Student
TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also
admitted doing it.
Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the axe in his hand."
****************************************************************************
TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. *
****************************************************************************
TEACHER: Billu, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did
you copy his?
Billu: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
****************************************************************************
TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer
interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.
Poor Sparrow
A biker is riding along a country lane, when a sparrow flies up in front of him. The biker can't do anything and hits the sparrow. As he looks in his rear view mirror, he sees the sparrow lying in the road. Being the kind of guy he is, he stops, picks up the sparrow and takes it home and puts it in a cage, still in a coma. When the sparrow wakes up the following morning, he looks through the bars of the cage and says, "Shit, I must have killed the biker so i am in jail".
God Bless Women
A Woman was out strolling down in a park and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you,!!"
But I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get tenfold!
The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, and women all over will flock to".
The woman replied,..."That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. "
The woman said, "That's okay, because what`s mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquires about her third wish, and she answers, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.
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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
But I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get tenfold!
The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, and women all over will flock to".
The woman replied,..."That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. "
The woman said, "That's okay, because what`s mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquires about her third wish, and she answers, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.
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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
More than 100% ?????
Now here is a problem that finally has a formula for getting to the bottom of an age old problem.
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-*-*-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far a** kissing will take you.
A-*-*-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bulls**t and A** Kissing that will put you over the top.
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-*-*-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far a** kissing will take you.
A-*-*-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bulls**t and A** Kissing that will put you over the top.
Politics
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
Women
Dearie...
sweet memories
Women....Women....Women........
If you kiss her,
you are not a gentleman
If you don't
you are not a man
If you praise her,
she thinks you are lying
If you don't,
you are good for nothing
If you agree to all her likes,
you are a wimp
If you don't,
you are not understanding
If you visit her often,
she thinks you are boring
If you don't,
she accuses you of double-crossing
If you are well dressed,
she says you are a playboy
If you don't,
you are a dull boy
If you are jealous,
she says it's bad
If you don't,
she thinks you do not love her
If you attempt a romance,
she says you didn't respect her
If you don't,
she thinks you do not like her
If you are a minute late,
she complains it's hard to wait
If she is late,
she says that's a girl's way
If you visit another man,
you're not putting in "quality time"
If she is visited by another woman,
"oh it's natural, we are girls"
If you kiss her once in a while,
she professes you are cold
If you kiss her often,
she yells that you are taking advantage
If you fail to help her in crossing the street,
you lack ethics
If you do,
she thinks it's just one of men's tactics for seduction
If you stare at another woman,
she accuses you of flirting
If she is stared by other men,
she says that they are just admiring
If you talk,
she wants you to listen
If you listen,
she wants you to talk
In short:
So simple, yet so complex
So weak, yet so powerful
So confusing, yet so desirable
So damning, yet so wonderful...
.
.
.
......WOMEN! (So Unpredictable.....yet so wonderful)
sweet memories
Women....Women....Women........
If you kiss her,
you are not a gentleman
If you don't
you are not a man
If you praise her,
she thinks you are lying
If you don't,
you are good for nothing
If you agree to all her likes,
you are a wimp
If you don't,
you are not understanding
If you visit her often,
she thinks you are boring
If you don't,
she accuses you of double-crossing
If you are well dressed,
she says you are a playboy
If you don't,
you are a dull boy
If you are jealous,
she says it's bad
If you don't,
she thinks you do not love her
If you attempt a romance,
she says you didn't respect her
If you don't,
she thinks you do not like her
If you are a minute late,
she complains it's hard to wait
If she is late,
she says that's a girl's way
If you visit another man,
you're not putting in "quality time"
If she is visited by another woman,
"oh it's natural, we are girls"
If you kiss her once in a while,
she professes you are cold
If you kiss her often,
she yells that you are taking advantage
If you fail to help her in crossing the street,
you lack ethics
If you do,
she thinks it's just one of men's tactics for seduction
If you stare at another woman,
she accuses you of flirting
If she is stared by other men,
she says that they are just admiring
If you talk,
she wants you to listen
If you listen,
she wants you to talk
In short:
So simple, yet so complex
So weak, yet so powerful
So confusing, yet so desirable
So damning, yet so wonderful...
.
.
.
......WOMEN! (So Unpredictable.....yet so wonderful)
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